My Blog

Author: admin

  • Travel Tip

    Here’s a travel tip that works for me and might work great for you too!
    When I’m away from home, sometimes I’ll see somebody on a cab line or in the hotel lobby who looks like my friend Dave. And I’ll go up to them and I’ll say: “Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.” And they’ll say something like, “I’m sorry, you’ve mistaken me for somebody else.” And I’ll say: “Dave.” And they’ll say, “Can you step back a few feet? You’re standing too close to me.”
    And I’ll keep saying: “Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.” until eventually, through force of will, I cause them to transmute at the molecular level into my friend Dave. With Dave’s scruffy beard. Dave’s John Lennon glasses.
    “Dave!” I’ll say. “Yes, I am Dave,” they’ll say. Dave!

  • Bodies Fly

    Bodies fly
close
overhead
    glittering geese eyes
    turning my body to track
    invisible, lovely
dark 
                                              honk.

  • The perfect gentleman

    tophat.jpg
    At an Italian restaurant last night, while I was picking at my spaghetti bolognese, a perfect little gentleman of around 2 or 3 years old came up to me and stared.
    Whatever I did — peekabo, wiggly fingers, wiggly fingers on head, big smile, surprise face — it didn’t matter. He just stared. It was wonderful. And once again I found myself so grateful that I don’t live in Belgium or Austria or one of those other places (Portugal) where they take their children and send them into the forest and don’t let them come back until they’re 25.
    You can criticize Americans and say that we watch too much TV or that we put feathers in places we probably shouldn’t (egg dishes), but you have to admit: at least we don’t make our young people live in the forest.

  • Me and my accomplishments

    You probably can’t tell from this blog, but I’m an exceptionally accomplished fellow. For example: I once taught a family of gerbils how to sign “hello” and “nice to see you.” I can hold my breath for three hours. From 1983 to 1987, everything I said or thought rhymed with “cantaloupe.” Nice bar of soap. I like the pope. Someone should write a book called “The Audacity of Hope.”
    It was a difficult time for my family.
    Still, even I was surprised to learn of my latest accomplishment. It turns out I’m the creator of the world’s top-ranking Google result for the search phrase want to smell something wonderful.
    When something like that happens to you, you just, you know you look back on your life so far — that dusty road leading up to the here and now, and you say, “Yeah. Time well spent.”
    What about you? Accomplish anything extraordinary of late?

  • Mess with Texas

    Some people, like Hillary Clinton and my 7-year-old son, have been hammering home this “Don’t Mess with Texas” message. In the case of Hillary, it’s one of her slogans for the March 4th primary. With my son, it’s on this t-shirt he likes to wear.
    And I’m sorry, but I enjoy messing with Texas. I do. And I don’t care what Hillary or Power Vortex say — I don’t intend to stop.
    For example, sometimes I move Texas’ seat a few inches away from where they think it is. Not so much that they fall. But just enough so they go “Whoa!” and they have to readjust themselves. And they’re looking around, thinking, “Who did that? Who’s messing with me?”
    Or I tell Oklahoma that Texas said something mean about them, when really they didn’t.
    Or if Texas is shooting pool, I walk up quietly behind them and tug on their pool cue right as they’re lining up their shot. They hate that!
    Got any ways you like to mess with Tee Ex?
    Update: Reader James in the comments gently points out that those McSweeney bastards got to this watering hole first. I guess it’s true what they say about an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters taking it to Texas in similar fashion, where time is expressed as T and “ways Texas can be messed with” is expressed as M or perhaps (M Over Tx).
    Update to update: After a little reflection, I’ve decided that this is a sign I should redirect my energies. Instead of “messing with Texas,” I’m now going to “screw with Delaware.”

  • If you’ve got kids

    today’s a good day
    to introduce them
    to “Bicycle Race” by Queen.
    On your mark, get set, go…..

  • Vortex Spawn Makes Stage Debut in Candide

    Hi,
    This one’s narrowcast to my fellow Bay Areans. Just wanted to share the fun fact that my daughter (aka Shonny Vortex) is making her big-time stage debut this very weekend in Virago Theatre Company’s staging of Candide, with music by Leonard “don’t call me Spock” Bernstein and lyrics by (among others) Dorothy Parker, Lillian Hellman, and Stephen “don’t call me Spock either” Sondheim.
    This is an actual grown up performance. The New York Times described Bernstein’s score as “shimmering” and claims that Shonny’s performance is likely to be “the greatest stage appearance of the new century.” I think they’re overhyping it, but who’s gonna argue with the New York Times?
    Special Twofer Deal
    The show opens this coming Friday, and they’re offering a crazy two-for-one deal on advance tix for the first weekend — two tickets for the low price of just $20. You can secure that snazzy deal by calling 510-865-6237 or by dropping me an email….
    Days and Times: Friday February 22nd, 8pm, Sat February 23rd, 8pm, Sunday February 24th, 7pm.
    The show runs from Feb 22 through to March 9th. For more information: click away.
    -Cecil
    CANDIDE_000.jpg

  • Be Prepared

    I keep hearing the pundits say that the Clinton campaign built their strategy around one result — a clear victory on Super Tuesday. Then they read these great quotes from the candidate, like this one from back on December 30th: “I’m in it for the long run. It’s not a very long run. It’ll be over by February 5th.” But of course, that’s not how things played out, and Clinton and co. has seemed to be floundering — bouncing from message to message — ever since.
    That is to say, the Clinton camp went into their big battle — a battle they could see coming months in advance — without a concrete Plan B, without giving serious strategic thought to the possibility that reality might offer up anything less than mission accomplished. Things didn’t break the way they’d hoped. And ever since then, chaos.
    Does any of this ring a bell…?

  • “Want to smell something wonderful?”

    That’s what this lady at the table next to mine just asked her gentleman friend.
    “Yes! Dear lord yes!” I want to shout.

  • Me and my tea

    I’m drinking vanilla mighty leaf tonight.
    The most macho tea.
    Tough guys smell this brew they
    back down. They should back down.
    It makes me French with rage. Like some
    French Bruce Banner. “Petite l’hommes!
    Je crushez vous!”