Category: Legends from My Childhood

Fourth grade was peculiar.
I’m not sure this really happened.
And maybe it was just because I was
living in Holland at the time and it
was some kind of a Dutch thing. But anyways,
in gym class that year
instead of having
a regular teacher like
I had in third grade
I had a large, floating gym teacher head whose
body was
on fire.
When he blew his whistle
the room would fill
with sparking downy flotsam.
****

Legends from My Childhood, #5, card art by eb.

“They used to call me ‘Gentile Joe’” he said.
‘Cuz my name is ‘Joe Gentle.’ I loved the Jews. Oh sure.
I loved the Jews and the Jews loved me.”
Pulling out tinted photos of foxy showgirls from the ’30s.
“The ladies, the ladies. Oh sure.”
Stacked instruments
music stands and guitar picks
dirty music sheets for sale
dog at his feet and
three 17 year-olds he was
charming us now.
We loitered and listened to old stories
put across with a lewd twinkle just right.
“Here, have a patch cord,” he said when we moved to leave.
“Have a drum stick.” I still have that drum stick.
****

Legends from My Childhood, #4, card art by eb.

At age 12 he was like me.
Tall for his age. Uncooperative hair.
I moved away and he sent letters:
“I’m growing up! I’m kicking ass! I’m dating girls!”
I didn’t believe it.
Five years later, I was back in town for a visit. His mom was gone.
Copies of High Times magazine spun out over the glass coffee table.
And it was true — he was a ladies’ man. Muscled. Martial arts master.
“Where did you come from?”
We went out that afternoon and drank vodka in the daylight.
He showed me some kung fu moves in a completely non-threatening way.
Later I met up with friends of my parents
and tried to pretend I was sober over
lasagna and Seven Up.
Was he still good at math? I have to assume
he was still good at math.
****

Legends from My Childhood, #3, card art by Whitney F.

She took too many pills or something
and nearly died
but the main thing I remember
is sitting down at their
kitchen table and her
telling us how at that critical moment
she saw the light and turned back.
I thought: “She seems sad.”
And: “I can’t believe a grownup is
telling me this and treating me
like I’m a grownup
when I’m not.”
On Halloween, she dressed me
up as a 50s kid and put my hair
in a DA with goop.
She told me that the look worked —
that I had a 50s face. And I
took that as a
compliment.
****

Legends from My Childhood, #2, card art by eb.

Don’t forget what’shisname — Steven?
Really smart.
Played guitar.
Got into heavy metal.
Sort of wavy black hair?
He was a tough little dude.
I think they came in second in that Battle of the Bands.
All covers. Maybe Free Bird. OK, probably Free Bird.
But Blue Öyster Cult too.
He had a girl in his band. Leather pants.
He played guitar.
He got Bs without trying.
He was a tough little dude with a girl in his band.
Don’t forget him.
****
Care to add any childhood legends in the comments?
-Cecil

Legends from My Childhood, #1, card art by eb.