Category: Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes

Last week we proudly launched our exclusive look at Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes — the enigmatic ape/human hybrids who’ve set tongues a-wagging from Manhattan to Monaco. Our first stop was Denver, for some q-time with Sergei. Next up: Louisville, Kentucky to meet Ivan, widely rumored to be the sexiest of the four Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes. This made me nervous — after all, there’s such a thing as too sexy. But Ivan quickly put me at ease.
At his side was Svetlana Stepanova, a 6 foot 5 platinum blond who’s both Ivan’s handler and his business partner. Shortly after Ivan’s release from the Office of Man-Ape Debriefing, the pair purchase a promising thoroughbred. Now they spend day and night together, training their horse for the Kentucky Derby. It’s a busy life, but they graciously made time to meet me at a cafe down by the track, where we sipped Mint Juleps and talked about horse names.
Ivan: The Sexiest of the Four ‘Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes’

CV: Wow, you really are quite sexy.
Ivan: Yes. Thank you.
CV: I mean, not just the way you look. Even how you smell.
Ivan: Yes.
CV: You even, uh, you even smell sexy.
Ivan: You said this already.
Svetlana: Ha! Does my Ivan leave you flustered?
CV: No, I, er…
Svetlana: He does!
CV: So Ivan, why horses?
Ivan: Well, since was baby man-ape, Ivan dream of going to world-famous “Churchill Downs” for drinking of “Mint Juleps.” Is home. Ivan finally find home.
CV: Tell me how you chose the name for your horse.
Ivan: Ivan name horsie “Sergei Is Lesser Ape.” At first, was going to name horsie “PS I Love You (Pony).” Or maybe “I Have the Trotskys.” [laughs]
Svetlana: I wanted “St. Petersburgh Surprise Packet.”
Ivan: Then “Little Ivan, ” he say: “You should name horsie ‘Sergei Is Lesser Ape.’” And I say: “OK! Let’s do it! ” Because Ivan want to show world he can be sexy and funny and man-ape.
Svetlana: And you showed them, darling, you showed them all!
Ivan: [roars]
Svetlana: [roars]
CV: That’s a great story.
Ivan: Thank you.
Svetlana: [roars]
Ivan: “Little Ivan” is funny man-ape too. Just not so sexy. You meet him, yes?
CV: Later this week.
Ivan: You will see. Not so sexy.
Svetlana: Not half as sexy as my Ivan.
CV: Svetlana, I’ve been meaning to ask —
Svetlana: What?
CV: Well, it’s just, you two seem pretty close. For a human and a man-ape.
Svetlana: You’re not judging us are you? Don’t judge us.
Ivan: Cecil, are you judging?
CV: I’m not judging. I was just asking.
Svetlana: You know what, darling? I think Cecil likes you.
CV: I don’t.
Svetlana: I think he’s jealous.
CV: I’m not.
Ivan: Look — you are right! He is blushing like some kind of red veg-e-table!
Svetlana: Like a tomato!
Ivan: Sorry blog-man. You are not my type! [laughs]
Svetlana: Are you OK Cecil? Do you need a paper towel?
CV: I’m fine. I just sweat a lot.
Ivan: Your whole head is wet all of sudden.
Svetlana: Have you talked to a doctor?
Ivan: Ivan get paper towel.
CV: OK. Well, thanks so much to both of you for your time.
Next: Dmitri!

Yesterday we announced our multi-part world-exclusive inside look at “Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes” — the quartet of part man, part ape creatures that everyone’s been talking about. CIA officials advised me to start by sitting down with Sergei — the oldest and most even-tempered of the four man-apes. With his extensive debriefing complete, Sergei recently relocated to downtown Denver, where he set up house in a stylish duplex with his handler, Nikolai Novikov. I met with Sergei and Nikolai last Monday, over a brunch of waffles, berries, and some kind of small, hard nut.
Sergei: The Oldest and Most Even-Tempered Man-Ape

CV: Sergei — thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me.
Sergei: Is great pleasure, Cecil.
CV: You know, this is CecilVortex.com’s first ever world-exclusive.
Sergei: Da.
CV: I’m very excited about it.
Sergei: Da. Da.
Nikolai: Cecil, are you OK?
CV: Oh yeah — I’m fine. Just excited.
Nikolai: You are sweating so much — like Albert Brooks in that movie.
Sergei: Broadcast News.
CV: I’m OK. It’s just a little warm in here. If we could open a window?
Sergei: Here you go.
CV: Thanks Sergei. So, can I ask — how do you feel about the label you and your fellow man-apes were given — “Stalin’s Sexy Man Apes”? Is it hard to live up to that billing?
Sergei: No, is easy. I am sexy all the time.
CV: You know, when I told people I was doing this interview, they all wanted me to ask the same question — whether the ape part of you is a “lesser ape,” from the Hylobatidae family, or a “greater ape” from the Hominidae family.
Nikolai: Cecil, I’m not sure if —
Sergei: [unintelligible grunting noise]
CV: Well, it’s just that, from what I understand, the “lesser apes” —
Sergei: [louder unintelligible grunting noise]
Nikolai: You really should change the subject.
CV: OK. Um…
Nikolai: Ask him about TV. He loves to watch TV.
CV: Sergei, have you been watching much TV?
Sergei: [quieter unintelligible grunting noise] Da.
Cecil: Anything in particular?
Sergei: Well, Sergei love “Project Runway.” The sexy fashion.
Cecil: Oh yeah, me too.
Sergei: Sergei like to see them make dresses out of garbage!
CV: Do you have a favorite contestant?
Nikolai: I like Uli.
Sergei: Sergei just happy Vincent gone. Vincent make Sergei uncomfortable.
CV: Well, I think it just goes to show you.
Nikolai: What?
CV: Whether you’re a man-ape from the former Soviet Union, or a homo sapien from the USA, pretty much everybody thinks Vincent is creepy.
Sergei: Da.
Nikolai: Da.
Cecil: Thanks very much for your time, both of you.
Sergei: Do svidaniya, Cecil.
Cecil: Do svidaniya.
Tuesday: Ivan!

In the mid-1920s a team of Soviet scientists led by a soft-spoken man named Ilya Ivanov began work on a secret project aimed at developing an army of ape-human hybrids. Picture a squad of these creatures attacking Berlin. Joseph Stalin did. “I want a new invincible human being,” Stalin was reported to have instructed the young Ivanov. “Insensitive to pain. Resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat. Hairy, with sort of a monkey-type look.”
Under rising budget pressures, the Reds finally abandoned their efforts in the 1980s. But not before producing a tribe of eleven so-called “man-apes,” kept under close guard in a secure prison at the base of the Ural Mountains.
Last December the story made international headlines when of these four man-apes stunned the world — executing a daring escape and destroying their guards, the labs, and the rest of the man-ape tribe in the process! The cunning quartet made their way across the Urals to Western Europe where they requested and received political asylum from the U.S. embassy in Frankfurt.
Little else was known regarding the details of their escape, although one tantalizing rumor did surface — that these were four unusually attractive man-apes, and that they’d used their good looks to somehow distract their captors. Predictably, the British tabloids leapt on this choice tidbit, dubbing them “Stalin’s Sexy Man Apes.” And the label stuck.
Until today, that was all we knew. “Stalin’s Sexy and Enigmatic Man-Apes,” you might say. But that changes this week, as cecilvortex.com proudly unveils an exclusive intimate peek inside the hearts and minds of Sergei, Ivan, Dmitri, and “little Ivan.”
You can call them man-apes. You can call them sexy. We call them fascinating.
Tomorrow: Sergei!