If you find yourself
stepping on the scale after peeing
well,
that’s not a good sign.
Category: They Can’t All Be Winners
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Too much pee
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Overheard in Paradise
“Vegans?
40 vegans?!
Look, no offense vegans — I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. But this is total bullshit.” -
Snacktime
Had a vegan chocolate chip cookie at lunch today
and it was delicious, you know? But I felt kind of guilty.
About all those vegans. -
A poem one of my ancestors might have written, but I feel this way too
When it's all clouded over thick, sheep's belly wool blocking out stars and sky you have to think: Shit! We're screwed!
Now we'll never see the aliens when they come to eat our brains out.
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In the elevator at the Best Western across from Disneyland
He had a Mickey Mouse hat
and a Donald Duck shirt
and a nose that was just
and a nose that was just
and a nose that was just
plain goofy. -
Here’s something
Here’s something you don’t hear often enough at award shows: “I want to shout out to all my poops.”