Category: This; And also that

He’s walking around
like he’s just eaten an orange.
Always.
This gives him strength.

My stomach doctor, who looks a lot like Elliott Gould — I mean, even more than I do.
Anyways. He’s someone you don’t want to startle you.
And he’s also. I mean.
For reasons I really don’t care to discuss.
Let’s just say.
He’s someone you don’t want to picture 15 feet tall.
Someone I don’t want to picture 15 feet tall.
Anyways, so I’m driving to work.
And there he was, by the freeway, as you get on the bridge. 15 feet tall.
And when I told him I saw him, the next time I saw him, he was so proud.
That I saw him.
Just picture Elliott Gould in a white doctor’s coat.
Proud.

Guest: Studies have shown that two-thirds of what people buy, they weren’t planning on buying when they walked into the store.
Host: So you’re saying, if I go into a store to buy a pair of socks, I’m going to walk out with three things I didn’t want?
And I screamed at the radio: “No! No that’s not what he was saying! You idiot! That would be 3/4s! Or, if you counted each sock individually, 3/5s!”
And I drove my car into a pole.

Please...
write what you know
but also:

    know something interesting.

They’re telling shapeless stories
at the open mic
reading from travel diaries
picking up where they left off last week
and Yaniv wants to shout:
“Get a blog!”

Like “stinky”
in MadLibs,
she always delivered.

To you
who live
in states
that vote
today
I say:
Happy voting!

only the vertical blink-blink on the horizon
gives any sign of
all these emails
passing
in the blink-blink
night.

Teach a man to catch worms and perhaps
he will be fortunate enough
to find some worms.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps
they will elude him.
Because worms are crafty.
But give a man a worm, and he can split it in two!
And then he will have
two worms!
I’m asking nicely now:
Won’t you give a man a worm?

If I can
just just
make it
three
minutes more
three more
minutes
more
I’ll let myself
hear another
tune by
The New Pornographers.