Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes: Sergei!

Yesterday we announced our multi-part world-exclusive inside look at “Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes” — the quartet of part man, part ape creatures that everyone’s been talking about. CIA officials advised me to start by sitting down with Sergei — the oldest and most even-tempered of the four man-apes. With his extensive debriefing complete, Sergei recently relocated to downtown Denver, where he set up house in a stylish duplex with his handler, Nikolai Novikov. I met with Sergei and Nikolai last Monday, over a brunch of waffles, berries, and some kind of small, hard nut.
Sergei: The Oldest and Most Even-Tempered Man-Ape

CV: Sergei — thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me.
Sergei: Is great pleasure, Cecil.
CV: You know, this is CecilVortex.com’s first ever world-exclusive.
Sergei: Da.
CV: I’m very excited about it.
Sergei: Da. Da.
Nikolai: Cecil, are you OK?
CV: Oh yeah — I’m fine. Just excited.
Nikolai: You are sweating so much — like Albert Brooks in that movie.
Sergei: Broadcast News.
CV: I’m OK. It’s just a little warm in here. If we could open a window?
Sergei: Here you go.
CV: Thanks Sergei. So, can I ask — how do you feel about the label you and your fellow man-apes were given — “Stalin’s Sexy Man Apes”? Is it hard to live up to that billing?
Sergei: No, is easy. I am sexy all the time.
CV: You know, when I told people I was doing this interview, they all wanted me to ask the same question — whether the ape part of you is a “lesser ape,” from the Hylobatidae family, or a “greater ape” from the Hominidae family.
Nikolai: Cecil, I’m not sure if —
Sergei: [unintelligible grunting noise]
CV: Well, it’s just that, from what I understand, the “lesser apes” —
Sergei: [louder unintelligible grunting noise]
Nikolai: You really should change the subject.
CV: OK. Um…
Nikolai: Ask him about TV. He loves to watch TV.
CV: Sergei, have you been watching much TV?
Sergei: [quieter unintelligible grunting noise] Da.
Cecil: Anything in particular?
Sergei: Well, Sergei love “Project Runway.” The sexy fashion.
Cecil: Oh yeah, me too.
Sergei: Sergei like to see them make dresses out of garbage!
CV: Do you have a favorite contestant?
Nikolai: I like Uli.
Sergei: Sergei just happy Vincent gone. Vincent make Sergei uncomfortable.
CV: Well, I think it just goes to show you.
Nikolai: What?
CV: Whether you’re a man-ape from the former Soviet Union, or a homo sapien from the USA, pretty much everybody thinks Vincent is creepy.
Sergei: Da.
Nikolai: Da.
Cecil: Thanks very much for your time, both of you.
Sergei: Do svidaniya, Cecil.
Cecil: Do svidaniya.
Tuesday: Ivan!